Since we’ve started packing for the move, I’ve been looking at what things to toss and what things to keep. I found a photo album last week or so and it happened to have a picture of the scum that I “dated” before my current boyfriend in it. The one who was married with two children and lied to me about it. I saw the picture and I got upset all over again, but something else needed my attention so I just closed the album without removing the picture. Now I can’t get the fucker out of my head.
Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong between me and my current boyfriend; we haven’t been fighting and everything has been going really well. There is absolutely no reason that I shouldnt’ be thinking about my man instead of the garbage before. But the asshole keeps coming across my thoughts and it really makes me mad. I keep telling myself that my boyfriend is the best man for me and that I’m really happy with him, so there’s no reason to think about anyone else. But I’m thinking I never got closure from the ex. I never got to beat the shit out of him for putting me in that position. I never got to tell his wife that he was cheating on her and had done it before to warn her of who she was sharing her life with.
He’s been in my dreams for the past three or four nights. So has my boyfriend, but the ex always appears first. It’s tearing me up because it’s starting to make me feel like I’m hiding something from BF or that I’m mentally cheating on him, even though I can’t control my dreams. Is it just a matter of forcing myself to think about BF to replace the random thoughts that pop up every time they do? Is it a matter of finding that picture again and ripping it to shreds to release the emotional hold it obviously has on me? Do I burn the picture instead?
I just want to be able to focus on my boyfriend because he deserves nothing less from me. He’s all I ever wanted and I don’t want to feel like I’m cheating on him mentally because of that fuckface.
I haven’t blogged in forever. But, I have the app now, and I think I’m gonna start putting those random thoughts that I think are horrible that I’m pretty sure aren’t gonna get any “likes” on Facebook. Or that are probably going to get me attacked. That’s what blogs are for, right? Kind of like an online diary. In addition to my writings. So, to any of you who follow me and care to read my posts, I hope you at least get some kind of entertainment value out of these random thoughts.
Like, I hate how Facebook is always changing, and the messenger app froze my phone and screwed up my sd card so it is now read only after trying to format it. I’m not happy. So I have to log in on the browser to see any messages I might get. I don’t like that. Blah.
Also, I’ve had a new boyfriend for. … about two and a half months right now. And he’s so close to perfect I can taste it. I’m worried about the fact that he has kids. I don’t like kids. But I’m super in love with him, so maybe I’ll change just enough that I can tolerate his. I hope so.
Also Also, I hate Kaley Cuoco’s new pixie haircut. It makes her look a lot heavier and a lot older. Blah.
Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
So once, a friend gave me
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, revised and expanded
I was at a low point in my life, although it was very immature of me. I believe I was 17, yearning and longing for a boyfriend like my friends had. I was the only single one. So I read the book and it made me go all girly when I read that the God of the universe gives me love notes every day (in the Bible, sending signs that He’s there, etc). I got really religious for awhile, and I vowed that I would start reading those love notes more often. That has faded, but I still try to make a conscious effort to think about Him and see the signs He gives me every day.
Like, the other day, I was driving to church and I made it from the traffic light two blocks from my house all the way to my church (which is basically down the one street, but several miles) and I caught all the green lights. That street is littered with traffic lights that one might have to stop at for those several miles, ruining my 30.3mpg record on my car. But that day, I made all the green lights. Maybe it was just my timing, but I decided to take it as a “Here you go, daughter, enjoy a simple pleasure.”
I’m getting to one of those low points in my life again, and now that I’m writing this post, I think I need to read that book again and start reading the love notes more often again. I need that hole in my heart filled again. Because I sure have been in a low spot lately.