So, My man is back from NTC training. I have since discovered that all my insecurity comes from him not being around. Yes, I still am insecure, but now that he’s back and he keeps telling me sweet things, I’m worrying less. I’m even worrying about his kids less. Still concerned about his ex But that’s gonna take a long time to go away. Since he’s been back (since 9am MST yesterday), I’ve been so much better. I’m definitely in love. And when he’s around, I’m so much happier, which means I get pissed off about things so much less. So, as of today, I’m expecting less rants and more creativity. I hope you all like it.
I haven’t blogged in forever. But, I have the app now, and I think I’m gonna start putting those random thoughts that I think are horrible that I’m pretty sure aren’t gonna get any “likes” on Facebook. Or that are probably going to get me attacked. That’s what blogs are for, right? Kind of like an online diary. In addition to my writings. So, to any of you who follow me and care to read my posts, I hope you at least get some kind of entertainment value out of these random thoughts.
Like, I hate how Facebook is always changing, and the messenger app froze my phone and screwed up my sd card so it is now read only after trying to format it. I’m not happy. So I have to log in on the browser to see any messages I might get. I don’t like that. Blah.
Also, I’ve had a new boyfriend for. … about two and a half months right now. And he’s so close to perfect I can taste it. I’m worried about the fact that he has kids. I don’t like kids. But I’m super in love with him, so maybe I’ll change just enough that I can tolerate his. I hope so.
Also Also, I hate Kaley Cuoco’s new pixie haircut. It makes her look a lot heavier and a lot older. Blah.
I know I’m supposed to start with Day 1, but I looked at the list and since I don’t have oodles of time right now to write the first three days, I think I’m going to do this out of order and write the day’s prompt with whatever hits me the hardest and seems the easiest to write that day. So! Here we go.
Day 4: something that is part of your routine that you enjoy
Sleep is obviously part of my everyday routine. I can’t function without sleep; if I don’t get enough sleep or if it’s the end of the day and my body is telling me it’s bedtime, nothing is good anymore except the idea of sleep. I LOVE cuddling, and when I’m sleepy, the only cuddling I want to do is cuddling while I sleep or to put me to sleep.
I think the reason why I chose this today is because right now, I’m not looking at things very optimistically. I’m trying to be positive and look at things in a positive light and enjoy the simple pleasures, but overall I’m not enjoying a whole lot. I don’t like where I live, and I’m working on saving up more money to be able to move, but that goal is still a long way off. I’m currently single, and I’m at a stage where if I don’t have a significant other, I’m not as happy. Finding The One is definitely part of my life goal, and I’m very impatient so the fact that I don’t have any idea of who he is is upsetting me. I still live with my parents, and they still treat me like a child a lot and that’s really upsetting to me. I know I’m not all that old (22 until July) but I feel like I should at least be treated like an adult even though I’m living with them. Although, I’m not paying them rent so I suppose it makes sense. I’m very thankful I have a job, but I feel very unimportant at my job because I don’t really have a position here. I fill in for the girls in administration when they go out on vacation or take a sick day, and other than that, I’m doing busy work like filing or shredding paperwork just to have me filling my time and earning my pay.
So, sleep is the one thing I truly look forward to in my routine at the moment. I love to get into a cold bed and feel it warm up around me and cuddle under my blankets and hold my stuffed wolf close to my chest. I love putting my face on that pillow and taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. I love the idea of going unconscious for a few hours, so I don’t have to deal with someone telling me I’m not doing my busy work right or telling me to put down my phone (when you’re doing busy work, your texting is the only thing keeping your brain from becoming mush) or hearing everyone call you by the name of whoever you’re filling in for (they’re joking, I know, but that really doesn’t feel very good). I’m not a people person, and until I get an office of my own (they ordered my furniture in late November and it still hasn’t arrived) I have to float around to any vacant office and I don’t really get a whole lot of time to myself. Sleep is that time where it’s just me and God and whatever my brain decides to draw that night. Sometimes they’re nightmares, but at least they’ll end eventually. And it’s always different when you’re dreaming. Have you ever had the same dream twice? I haven’t. and that’s what makes sleep awesome. You never know what you’re gonna get (quite like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates). Sleep is my retreat from my life that I want to change so many things to meet the goals I’ve made for myself but don’t have the resources for yet.
I feel like such a dying breed in today’s society. I’m 22 WITHOUT children and not married/divorced, I have my own job and have an application in for a city position, and I’m going to be paying on a new car and a student loan soon. I was raised to say “yes sir/ma’am,” I have excellent grammar and spelling skills, I have respect for people who deserve it, and I hold doors for people and tell them thank you when (rarely) someone holds a door for me. I donate to charity even when I have to be careful because my credit card is reaching its limit, and I have never missed a payment on my credit cards. In fact, I’ve never had to pay interest on my credit cards yet because I pay the full balance every month. I err on the side of caution when making decisions, just so I know I don’t get myself in trouble. I’m respectful to police, even if I get pulled over, because both times I was speeding and I knew it. I want to get my life set out in a general plan before I go making any big decisions. I don’t plan on going on welfare ever in my life, even if I have to get two jobs to make ends meet, God forbid the circumstance. I do my best not to stereotype and I try to be open minded to others’ circumstances, although I will admit I fail in this area sometimes.
I don’t think there are very many people my age can say those things anymore… and that saddens me.
So I’m talking to my ex, right? And he tells me he was with someone who’s dating someone else. And he seems pretty okay with it. So I’m surprised that he would do that, considering he doesn’t like cheating; he begged me so much not to cheat on him, and yet he was with a taken girl and therefore involved in cheating as “the other party.” He says the girl wasn’t happy with her boyfriend anyway and she wasn’t planning on staying with him long, even though right now she’s still with him.
I’m trying to get him to see why I don’t like that he did what he did, because when I was dating him, the same thing happened with us, only I was the one who cheated because I had a male friend who was there for me to support me when my boyfriend wouldn’t.
I’m trying to decide whether to tell him that I was in the same situation he’s in right now. I hope I make the right decision… Wish me luck
The example starts at about 0:50 in that video
Have you ever been so frustrated or angry with something or someone that you just wanted to go into a room filled with things and just pick stuff up and throw it and break it and let out all that frustration? Yeah that’s how I’m feeling right now.
I won’t tell you much more about the reason why except that it’s about religion, but I’m really super frustrated and angry.
So I’ve decided that when I move into a house when I get settled in my “adult life” as I call it (career job in the city I really want to live in), I want to talk to an architect about exactly how I want my house. I’m planning on making an extra room that I can just fill with glass stuff and cheap chairs and all kinds of decorations that I can just throw and break stuff and crush stuff and maybe a few things to work out with so I can get out all my frustration until I literally cannot stand any longer. That sounds like something I need in my house. And I wouldn’t clean that room very often. I’d leave all the glass and stuff everywhere. Until it’s like dust on the floor. Then I’d have to sweep it all up and fix it. And then put more breakable stuff in there so I can start the cycle all over again. I’d have super heavy duty soled shoes just inside the door so I could just put those shoes on when I go into that room and take them off when I leave so I don’t a) cut my feet on broken glass and b) track that broken glass into the rest of the house.
Everyone needs an outlet. And you know what? For me, it’s either crying (because, much to my dismay, I do end up crying when I get frustrated enough) or imagining myself running around and breaking shit and throwing shit and maybe even taking my pistol into that room and setting up a backboard and cardboard target to shoot a few rounds at. That sounds like a good outlet to me.
Does that make me sound like a raging, horrible person?
So this is a different kind of rant: I’m in a GREAT mood!!!
My boyfriend and I started going to the gym yesterday to train for the police academy (which we’ve both put in applications for) and I’m pleasantly sore. Exercise releases endorphins in the brain and I’m thinking that being sore does too, because the brain’s reaction to pain is to release endorphins to try to lessen the effect of the pain. I believe that’s how it works (I wasn’t really paying attention to that bit in psychology).
It’s raining again!!! Here in El Paso, Texas, it’s hot. Hot. Hot. And more hot. But right now I believe it’s 66 degrees Farenheit and cloudy and we had a GREAT thunderstorm last night that drenched us in about a quarter of an inch of rain!
I’m going to hang out with one of my friends whom I haven’t seen in forever at lunch today, we’re going to grab a Starbucks and chat for about an hour. I’m so excited! I really really miss him. He’s been busy doing plays at UTEP and I’ve been busy with work so it’s going to be nice to see him.
Random thought: I love my job cuz I get to see all kinds of alcohol go out to stores in the city and sometimes, every once in a long while, the salesmen let us have a bottle of whatever we happen to have on surplus or whatever. So sometimes I get to come home with free alcohol and it’s really great! I don’t drink all that often, but it’s great to be able to know that when I want to, I have a bottle of whatever ready for me. 🙂