I can’t stop these thoughts

Since we’ve started packing for the move, I’ve been looking at what things to toss and what things to keep. I found a photo album last week or so and it happened to have a picture of the scum that I “dated” before my current boyfriend in it. The one who was married with two children and lied to me about it. I saw the picture and I got upset all over again, but something else needed my attention so I just closed the album without removing the picture. Now I can’t get the fucker out of my head.

Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong between me and my current boyfriend; we haven’t been fighting and everything has been going really well. There is absolutely no reason that I shouldnt’ be thinking about my man instead of the garbage before. But the asshole keeps coming across my thoughts and it really makes me mad. I keep telling myself that my boyfriend is the best man for me and that I’m really happy with him, so there’s no reason to think about anyone else. But I’m thinking I never got closure from the ex. I never got to beat the shit out of him for putting me in that position. I never got to tell his wife that he was cheating on her and had done it before to warn her of who she was sharing her life with.

He’s been in my dreams for the past three or four nights. So has my boyfriend, but the ex always appears first. It’s tearing me up because it’s starting to make me feel like I’m hiding something from BF or that I’m mentally cheating on him, even though I can’t control my dreams. Is it just a matter of forcing myself to think about BF to replace the random thoughts that pop up every time they do? Is it a matter of finding that picture again and ripping it to shreds to release the emotional hold it obviously has on me? Do I burn the picture instead?

I just want to be able to focus on my boyfriend because he deserves nothing less from me. He’s all I ever wanted and I don’t want to feel like I’m cheating on him mentally because of that fuckface.

This Has To Stop

Our men and women who are out there keeping at bay those who would wish to harm innocent citizens are being murdered. In their homes, filling up their patrol cars with gas, while sitting in their vehicles. If the good sheepdogs are being murdered, how long until the wolves eat up all the innocent sheep? (This is an analogy; I am in no way implying that all good people act like sheep.) The terror has to stop. Please lend your voice in support of my Blue family. Every life makes a difference in the world, and it is up to every individual to choose whether that effect is positive or negative.

Support the Blue Here

Truth  Darren GoforthDon Allen

Instead

I googled “what to do instead of facebook.” I think facebook is what has been fueling all of my irritability, because there are so many people in the world who are just… nasty. People are assholes nowadays, which ties in with my post yesterday. I think the more I get wrapped up in seeing what is out there on the internet that people post on their facebook, the more I realize that more people get worse every day. People get offended by what others think, but there must be quite a few people out there who do things to get recognition, or to see how far they can push social limits.

It’s actually really discouraging, to be honest. I have seen that 90% of the people with whom I’ve come in contact just don’t have compassion anymore. It’s all about them and what they want, whether someone tells them not to do it or not. There is a complete disregard for the law, and equally a disregard for the compassion of others. I know I have said that people should stay out of other people’s business, but compassion is different. You don’t have to be in someone’s business to be courteous and realize that the things you do could affect them. Actions that don’t seem to affect anyone but yourself can affect other people. Those people who do drugs affect their families’ emotional state and sometimes even their financial state. The people who have to be out in front of everyone in a line or out driving affect others because people don’t like confrontation, and those who drive recklessly put others at risk of property damage or even worse, the possibility of a fatal crash.

That person who accidentally bumped into you at the store, whom you glared at or made a nasty comment to, could be fighting a mental battle that they feel they can only fight through self-harm.

When I did my google search, there were some other searches suggested at the bottom. Three out of about ten of them asked, “what to do instead of cutting.” I can’t say that I have ever been suicidal, although the thought has crossed my mind about what would happen if I was actually gone. I can say, however, that I know how it feels to have mental pain that I couldn’t figure out how to relieve. I was a preteenager, or maybe thirteen, so it has been quite a few years since then and I have changed my outlook on how to relieve pain. But I know that there are still people of that age out there who haven’t moved past it yet and are suffering, because of someone else’s choices or actions.

I think sometimes the struggle for me is to understand why people have to act the way they do. Has the media so affected us that we see someone that has power and we need to feel as if we have power over someone else? The need for power is probably ingrained in us and has been for many years, because if we submit to other people, we might lose out on resources that we need to survive. But many things that we encounter today have nothing to do with getting resources. Using my driving example, is cutting someone off really going to help you get where you need to go any faster? Is being discourteous helping you at all? All that does is frustrate someone else and make you angry. There have been at least three instances in my city within the last month where someone got a bad case of road rage and shot someone else. At least one person died, because two cars were on the road traveling somewhere and one person didn’t like how the other person was “in their way” or what have you.

It’s really discouraging. I can safely say that I have lost 90% of my faith in humanity. So, instead of subjecting myself to the plights of people I wouldn’t ever meet in real life by staying on social media, and I would like to try to focus on what I am doing to make sure my life is happy. I have been interested in learning the German and Russian languages lately, and there are several woodworking projects that I would love to get started and completed. I am working toward becoming a law enforcement officer, so I need to train for that, physically and mentally, to learn how to assist people on the calls I will get while staying emotionally detached so their problems do not become my mental problems.

Focusing on the betterment of my life, instead of getting wrapped up in the deterioration of others’. I’d like to make myself focus on the roses in life, rather than the thorns.

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May 20 2015

I’m afraid about how close I am to my boyfriend. I desperately want to change how I feel about having a kid around, just so I can keep my man.

Know why? Cuz I honestly don’t have friends. He is my best friend, and I don’t want to mess that up. The other people I know are more of acquaintances than friends. I know part of that is my fault, I am very protective and want the best for my friends and when they meet someone I don’t see as being good enough, I let my friends know. But I just want the best for them… One of my friends is ALWAYS on her phone, but she takes forever to answer, if she even answers at all.

So you know what? I’m gonna stop putting myself out there for people. It’s time to start treating people like they treat me. I’m done with this “I’ll do whatever you need” bullshit. I’ve done my best to be a good friend but if I’m the only one who is trying to start the conversation,  that’s bullshit.

Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.

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Update on Tubal Ligation at 23

Hey! So, I left off on Monday.  I believe it was Wednesday night, I could finally sleep on my belly (my most comfortable position). It had been difficult to sleep, because the muscles under and around the uterus and ovaries are active when you’re trying to move around at night,  so I basically stuck to sleeping on my belly and my back at that point. During work, I found that putting pressure on the incision to support it and the muscles around it and keep them from moving helped a lot, and there was obvious pressure on it while I slept when I slept on my belly. If I had to get up in the middle of the night, it was far easier to get up from sleeping on my belly because I could raise myself up using my arms and thighs and step down from the bed. So I tried to keep myself comfortable in my belly most of the night, every night.

It took another day or so (so this is around a week) for my body to finally process air the right way again, because I still had air pockets under my ribs, and along with that, it took about that long to finally process food normally again too. Thank you, anesthesia and shock to the body.

BUT!!!

Thanks to the human body being amazing and the pressure on the incision from sleeping on my belly, the cut healed almost right before my eyes. Every morning it seemed more together, and the Steri-Strips got looser. Every day, the incision got itchier and itchier as it healed, and it felt like the itchiness came from the Steri-Strips pulling on my skin as it tried to knit back together and the hair kept growing back in. On Sunday the 15, I finally removed the Steri-Strips from my skin and the incision looked amazing for only being a week and a half old. It looked especially dry, so I put some coconut oil directly around the cut. (COCONUT OIL HAS SO MANY BENEFITS, GO RESEARCH IT!!!)

I believe that the coconut oil has helped immensely, because today, Wednesday the 18, the cut looks very healed around the edges, as if it shrinks in length every hour. The skin is pink like scar tissue and there is less and less of a discernable split in the skin every time I look at it. I’m still keeping a patch of gauze on it between my skin and my underwear so the slight scabbing doesn’t catch on the fabric, but I think that’s cuz I’m an extra worry warrior. I’m still putting coconut oil on it twice a day and it helps with the itching tremendously. 

Possible TMI:

I think I’m gonna be ovulating in the next couple of days, so that means there’s no signs of that Tubal Ligation syndrome some people talk about where everything is painful and nothing works right anymore. Did i mention the surgery started my period early? So i had absolutely no worries about being pregnant before the surgery, although I doubt they would have done the surgery if I was pregnant in the first place, they took a urine sample for a test before the procedure. Of course, it’s only been two weeks tomorrow since the surgery, so I have time to see if things are going to be different when it comes to ovulation and menstruation. But, so far, nothing out of the ordinary.

So now, all I have to do is see if it changes my tolerance for other people’s kids, namely my boyfriend’s son. We shall see.

Tubal Ligation at 23 Years Old

Warning: possible TMI

I’ll be 24 in July. This past thursday, Feb 5, I had a tubal ligation, commonly referred to as “getting your tubes tied.” As you could probably tell by my previous posts, I’m not all that keen on having children of my own. My boyfriend has a biological son and a stepdaughter,  and if he and I stay together, those two will be enough for me. Probably more than enough and I’ll be struggling until I grow up a bit more.

So I got a tubal ligation. I was planning on two small incisions, one near my belly button to one side and one lower on the same side, with local anesthesia. They gave me general anesthesia (and a small patch behind my ear as an antiemetic) and a horizontal 3-4 inch cut in the space just lower than the level of my hip bones. The general anesthesia was given to me through an IV on my hand, and the stuff made my hand and wrist ache as if i had the flu. But the aching only lasted about 5 seconds and then I went unconscious. My doctor used the incision and space (space created with inserting air under my skin) to remove a section from both tubes and cauterize the open ends.  When I woke up, it had been about an hour since that general anesthesia, and apparently I had told my nurse the pain level was a three, although I was not conscious of that. When I regained my consciousness, I was gripping the hospital bed’s metal frame and moaning over and over. My nurse asked why I was moaning, and I let out one word, “Hurts.” She asked me my pain level again, and I told her 5, although now that I think about it, the level was probably more of a 7. She gave me some pain medication through my IV and it helped, but she had to give me another dose about 20min later. My parents and my  boyfriend were there with me, but at my bedside, only two people were allowed to visit at once. My dad and my boyfriend were the two to see me with an oxygen mask over my face and gripping that metal frame, until my boyfriend took my hand and kissed my forehead. They talked to me and I answered slowly and quietly. When my boyfriend had to leave for work, he sent my mom in, and my parents stayed with me while the anesthetic wore off. The nurse told them things that had happened and answered questions that we all had. She went to get me ice chips for my dry mouth and sore throat, and after two spoonfuls, she let my mom give me the ice chips. It was another hour or so before I thought I was good to be ready to go home. The nurse helped me dress and helped me sit in a wheelchair to take me to our truck. I was asked not to let myself fall asleep In the truck, to prevent motion sickness, but thanks to that little patch behind my ear, my stomach was happy enough. I sipped apple juice that the nurse gave me, and did my best not to let my heavy eyelids stay closed while we drove. Thankfully, my dad took the long, smooth way home to minimize any discomfort.
We got home at around 10am, and I made myself comfortable on the couch, falling right asleep, waking up for five minutes or so before falling asleep again. It wasn’t until about 1pm that I could stay awake enough to eat a banana and take my ibuprofen, which actually did nothing for my pain.

I kept drinking water, so I could help my body rid itself of the anesthesia and to soothe my throat after being intubated during the surgery, and it wasn’t long before I had to use the restroom. Surprise! I had a full bladder that I couldn’t void. It was a mix of bladder retention (which happens when medicine like general anesthesia and the antiemetic patch interfere with the brain’s automatic system of telling the bladder to empty itself), swelling from the surgery, and fear of putting pressure on my incision. I voided very small amounts at a time, and stopped drinking water because it was feeling like my bladder couldn’t stretch any more. I took my other pain medicine, Tramadol, to try to manage the pain, and that didn’t work either. I did my best to remove the gauze from my incision; I had to wet it to get it unstuck from my skin. I had to change it two times before I went to bed due to small amounts of drainage. My parents helped me so much, and my boyfriend came over after work and he helped me a lot, and he grimaced along with me when he noticed I was in pain. I told him about my bladder retention and he did some googling and that’s when we found out about it being due to the medicines.

I took D-Mannose supplements and Azo supplements to keep myself from getting a urinary tract infection from the catheter they gave me during the surgery. Little by little, the bladder retention wore off. So I went to sleep, waking up twice to try to use the restroom again, and when I woke up at about 8am Friday,  my back and shoulders were so tight from me putting my stress there to protect the incision that it was very hard to move. In addition to sore back, my abdomen was filled with the gas the doctor put into my body during surgery, and since bowel function slows to a crawl after surgery, I couldn’t rid my body of much gas at all. Friday was the same as thursday, slowly moving around and trying to void my bladder more easily (which was more successful). I did take a small walk to the end of the block to try to loosen my back and help my body absorb the gas in order to pass it. Since my pain medicines weren’t working, I decided to try Gas-X and a muscle relaxer close to bedtime. I slept better that night,  on my back more so I could stretch the incision a bit so it would heal in a way that would allow me to walk at least semi-erect.

Saturday was much better for my back and the gas issue, but it wasn’t completely resolved. I went for a walk around the block and was only mildly sore afterward. I was eating a bit more, and bladder voiding wasn’t a problem anymore. My boyfriend and I binge watched Bates Motel thanks to Netflix, and the day went more smoothly than Friday. I actually went for a ride with my boyfriend and my dad to get some lunch, but I stayed in the truck while they went inside to get the food. I found that squatting/kneeling down helped to move the gas to a place where I could get some of it out, and stretching my back by putting my shins on the floor and stretching my arms helped both my back and moved the gas to a less painful place.

Today is Sunday,  and I feel even better than yesterday. Only a small bit of gas remains trapped, and I’m trying to walk normally instead of holding my tension in my back.  I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow, and I think I should be able to do that if my progress keeps improving as fast as it has the last couple of nights. It will be slow going, not very easy, but my boss and coworkers know what’s going on so I’m sure they’ll be understanding. My boyfriend is coming over again today, and he told me he actually loves taking care of me, and I make sure he knows how much I appreciate him doing things for me. He also knows it would be exactly the same if he was the one that had surgery and I was to take care of him.

That’s all I can really report right now, but I’m sure I’ll be updating on my progress the next couple of days.