May 20 2015

I’m afraid about how close I am to my boyfriend. I desperately want to change how I feel about having a kid around, just so I can keep my man.

Know why? Cuz I honestly don’t have friends. He is my best friend, and I don’t want to mess that up. The other people I know are more of acquaintances than friends. I know part of that is my fault, I am very protective and want the best for my friends and when they meet someone I don’t see as being good enough, I let my friends know. But I just want the best for them… One of my friends is ALWAYS on her phone, but she takes forever to answer, if she even answers at all.

So you know what? I’m gonna stop putting myself out there for people. It’s time to start treating people like they treat me. I’m done with this “I’ll do whatever you need” bullshit. I’ve done my best to be a good friend but if I’m the only one who is trying to start the conversation,  that’s bullshit.

Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.

Lonely.

I just realized how lonely I am. I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I am very in love. I still live with my parents until I can save up enough money to move to my dream city so I’m never really home alone. I have friends.

But I’m lonely. My boyfriend goes to bed early sometimes because he’s in the army and has to get up super early for PT and such. And my friends all have evening or night jobs, while I have the standard 8-5 job. It’s not that I’m tired of seeing my boyfriend after work when he’s available, but I don’t want him to get tired of me. And I don’t want to get too attached to him because then I get too anxious when he isn’t around.

I’ve never really had a ton of friends. I don’t “mesh” with most people, and I have one of those personalities where, when I’m unhappy, lots of things annoy me and I just want to go home.

So, either I need to figure out how to be more optimistic in life, or I need new friends, or I need to be able to sleep less so I can see my friends after they get off work.

I wish I could just be happy. But I lose sight of all the things I have now and look at how much I want the life I don’t have right now.

FML.