Since we’ve started packing for the move, I’ve been looking at what things to toss and what things to keep. I found a photo album last week or so and it happened to have a picture of the scum that I “dated” before my current boyfriend in it. The one who was married with two children and lied to me about it. I saw the picture and I got upset all over again, but something else needed my attention so I just closed the album without removing the picture. Now I can’t get the fucker out of my head.
Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong between me and my current boyfriend; we haven’t been fighting and everything has been going really well. There is absolutely no reason that I shouldnt’ be thinking about my man instead of the garbage before. But the asshole keeps coming across my thoughts and it really makes me mad. I keep telling myself that my boyfriend is the best man for me and that I’m really happy with him, so there’s no reason to think about anyone else. But I’m thinking I never got closure from the ex. I never got to beat the shit out of him for putting me in that position. I never got to tell his wife that he was cheating on her and had done it before to warn her of who she was sharing her life with.
He’s been in my dreams for the past three or four nights. So has my boyfriend, but the ex always appears first. It’s tearing me up because it’s starting to make me feel like I’m hiding something from BF or that I’m mentally cheating on him, even though I can’t control my dreams. Is it just a matter of forcing myself to think about BF to replace the random thoughts that pop up every time they do? Is it a matter of finding that picture again and ripping it to shreds to release the emotional hold it obviously has on me? Do I burn the picture instead?
I just want to be able to focus on my boyfriend because he deserves nothing less from me. He’s all I ever wanted and I don’t want to feel like I’m cheating on him mentally because of that fuckface.
Our men and women who are out there keeping at bay those who would wish to harm innocent citizens are being murdered. In their homes, filling up their patrol cars with gas, while sitting in their vehicles. If the good sheepdogs are being murdered, how long until the wolves eat up all the innocent sheep? (This is an analogy; I am in no way implying that all good people act like sheep.) The terror has to stop. Please lend your voice in support of my Blue family. Every life makes a difference in the world, and it is up to every individual to choose whether that effect is positive or negative.
Family is the most important thing. No matter what. So at this point, he can take care of his family all he wants. He can let her call him despite him “hating her voice,” or so he says. She can get his attention whenever he wants it. I can go on not trusting him to care why i’m upset. It’s up to me to take care of me, because he’s too busy taking care of his family.
I’m afraid about how close I am to my boyfriend. I desperately want to change how I feel about having a kid around, just so I can keep my man.
Know why? Cuz I honestly don’t have friends. He is my best friend, and I don’t want to mess that up. The other people I know are more of acquaintances than friends. I know part of that is my fault, I am very protective and want the best for my friends and when they meet someone I don’t see as being good enough, I let my friends know. But I just want the best for them… One of my friends is ALWAYS on her phone, but she takes forever to answer, if she even answers at all.
So you know what? I’m gonna stop putting myself out there for people. It’s time to start treating people like they treat me. I’m done with this “I’ll do whatever you need” bullshit. I’ve done my best to be a good friend but if I’m the only one who is trying to start the conversation, that’s bullshit.
Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.
I didn’t blog yesterday. But the night before, my man came over and we talked some more about how I was feeling so down. I don’t know what kind of superpower this man has over me but he talked me through another down period. I guess I need to quit thinking about the future and just focus on what’s right in front of me, even if it means a breakup later down the road. But he pulled me back to my normal self, and I’m thankful for that. Now we’re going camping this weekend and I really hope it’s a great time.
On the way to work today, I saw that a Texas State Trooper had pulled someone over. Those lights, that uniform, the emblem on the door bring back so many good memories. I can still smell my dad’s uniform and that leather belt and boots that he wore, the ones that he made look so good. The Trooper that I could see (there was one talking to the driver and another watching that trooper’s back) was such a cutie, too. ;P I wore my Texas Department of Public Safety necklace that my dad gave me when he retired, and it made me feel like there was a connection between me and those Troopers. Officers, Sheriffs, Deputies, Troopers are all family, and it angered me and worried me that when I looked in the mirror, the traffic behind me was not pulling over to the opposite lane to give the Troopers a full lane of space. I have seen many Law Enforcement Officers get hurt badly because people don’t move over, or at least slow down to 15 under the speed limit if moving over is not an option. Please, move over and give my family their space to work.
When I got to work, there was someone new in the parking lot. Someone with a giant blue dodge ram. I didn’t capitalize its name for a reason. There’s that moment when you see or smell or hear something that reminds you of the person who broke your heart because his marriage wasn’t enough for him so he lied to you in order to get you into his life. He told me he was divorced and that she was living in Florida. He told me he didn’t have girls over to his barracks room because it’s disrespectful. He told me he could only see me at lunch because he always had to work late, so he drove over the mountain at least once a week to pick me up for lunch and…. have me for lunch if you get me. After I searched for him on facebook and saw his profile, I did not add him but asked him whether he had a profile and he said that he did not. And that’s when I started doing more research, because the next day he had blocked me from seeing his profile. One of my friends looked at his profile and his friends list for me and we found his wife. She was, in fact, living here, and they were still very much married, with two children. I had fallen for this man out of sheer stupidity, and I hate that I fell so hard and so quickly, and I hate that there are still so many things that remind me of him. There’s “our song,” every f—ing blue dodge I see on the road, sometimes even my man will say something and it sounds like something the ex would have said. I just want to be over him. But all these things that remind me of him are there, and now there might be that giant blue dodge that looks just like the ex’s in my work parking lot every day if he is a new employee. I just want him out of my life and out of my head….
I read that writing a journal every day might help with being down in the dumps or being in a funk.
So I’m going to try it.
So today it rained in the afternoon which was really nice, I love how the desert smells after rain thanks to the creosote and it’s nice to get my car’s tires rolling on wet roads.
I tried to figure out why I’m so bitter about the world lately. My mom said it started when I was with my first boyfriend. At the time, I was upset because I was rejected from my dream school, Texas A&M. I was heartbroken that I wasn’t smart enough to get in, and it meant that I couldn’t leave El Paso like I wanted to so badly. My boyfriend at the time was also getting comfortable in the relationship, and he acted more like my child than my boyfriend. I think I was hurt and frustrated because I felt that the man should be the strong one and take care of his woman. Maybe the reason I don’t like kids is because they get taken care of by default, and I wanted a bond like that with someone romantically, and I never got it.
Maybe the reason why I’ve been so down is because I’m finally realizing that that dream is dead, and long dead at that. How do you mourn a dream?
That’s where I am this evening. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.