Instead

I googled “what to do instead of facebook.” I think facebook is what has been fueling all of my irritability, because there are so many people in the world who are just… nasty. People are assholes nowadays, which ties in with my post yesterday. I think the more I get wrapped up in seeing what is out there on the internet that people post on their facebook, the more I realize that more people get worse every day. People get offended by what others think, but there must be quite a few people out there who do things to get recognition, or to see how far they can push social limits.

It’s actually really discouraging, to be honest. I have seen that 90% of the people with whom I’ve come in contact just don’t have compassion anymore. It’s all about them and what they want, whether someone tells them not to do it or not. There is a complete disregard for the law, and equally a disregard for the compassion of others. I know I have said that people should stay out of other people’s business, but compassion is different. You don’t have to be in someone’s business to be courteous and realize that the things you do could affect them. Actions that don’t seem to affect anyone but yourself can affect other people. Those people who do drugs affect their families’ emotional state and sometimes even their financial state. The people who have to be out in front of everyone in a line or out driving affect others because people don’t like confrontation, and those who drive recklessly put others at risk of property damage or even worse, the possibility of a fatal crash.

That person who accidentally bumped into you at the store, whom you glared at or made a nasty comment to, could be fighting a mental battle that they feel they can only fight through self-harm.

When I did my google search, there were some other searches suggested at the bottom. Three out of about ten of them asked, “what to do instead of cutting.” I can’t say that I have ever been suicidal, although the thought has crossed my mind about what would happen if I was actually gone. I can say, however, that I know how it feels to have mental pain that I couldn’t figure out how to relieve. I was a preteenager, or maybe thirteen, so it has been quite a few years since then and I have changed my outlook on how to relieve pain. But I know that there are still people of that age out there who haven’t moved past it yet and are suffering, because of someone else’s choices or actions.

I think sometimes the struggle for me is to understand why people have to act the way they do. Has the media so affected us that we see someone that has power and we need to feel as if we have power over someone else? The need for power is probably ingrained in us and has been for many years, because if we submit to other people, we might lose out on resources that we need to survive. But many things that we encounter today have nothing to do with getting resources. Using my driving example, is cutting someone off really going to help you get where you need to go any faster? Is being discourteous helping you at all? All that does is frustrate someone else and make you angry. There have been at least three instances in my city within the last month where someone got a bad case of road rage and shot someone else. At least one person died, because two cars were on the road traveling somewhere and one person didn’t like how the other person was “in their way” or what have you.

It’s really discouraging. I can safely say that I have lost 90% of my faith in humanity. So, instead of subjecting myself to the plights of people I wouldn’t ever meet in real life by staying on social media, and I would like to try to focus on what I am doing to make sure my life is happy. I have been interested in learning the German and Russian languages lately, and there are several woodworking projects that I would love to get started and completed. I am working toward becoming a law enforcement officer, so I need to train for that, physically and mentally, to learn how to assist people on the calls I will get while staying emotionally detached so their problems do not become my mental problems.

Focusing on the betterment of my life, instead of getting wrapped up in the deterioration of others’. I’d like to make myself focus on the roses in life, rather than the thorns.

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Repulsive

I had to leave the group Childfree Chicks Confidential on facebook today. 😦 I love that group and being a part of it, but being around people who think the same as I do makes the way I feel about kids cement into my brain. I mean, I’m pretty stuck on the “Despise Children” setting anyway, but knowing that there are so many other women who feel the same way really tears away the handle on that switch so there’s no going back to “Kids? Whatever.”

The last post I read on that page is that one of the women thinks it’s cute to see a man holding a baby. Me? It’s actually pretty repulsive. For example, whenever I see my man, no matter what he’s wearing or what he’s doing, I can’t help but stare. I am incredibly attracted to him. But when his kid was here and ran into a wall and my man picked him up to comfort him… I almost couldn’t hide the scowl on my face. My man became incredibly unattractive just in that one action. If my man were to hold a puppy or a kitten, I’d still be completely attracted. But a kid? GTFO.

I’m so glad I have this blog. I’m not sure whether you all actually read these or they’re more like a diary, but my blog is safe. My man doesn’t even read the posts I WANT him to read, much less every post I create. And right now, I really appreciate that I can put all my true thoughts out here and I know I won’t hurt his feelings. Maybe it helps me to get my thoughts out. Don’t get me wrong, I want these thoughts to change. I love my man with my entire being. But the fact that he has a kid and claims another one as his own too… it feels like a punishment to me.

I’ve always said, “I’m not a Christian. I have a relationship with God.” The word Christian connotes a lot of judgment and hypocrisy. But my relationship with God fits me. But when I was having trouble finding a good man, I turned to God and asked Him to bring my perfect man into my life. I asked Him for specific things that I would like in a man. And weirdly enough, that’s when my man came into my life. A mutual friend of ours texted me and asked me if I was still looking for someone. My man had never spent free time with that friend before, and I hadn’t heard from that friend in well over a year. It just felt like my prayer had been answered when I went on that first date. But then he told me he has “kids”, and I only put it in quotes because only one of them is biologically his.

It’s no secret that I despise children. In fact, one of the first questions I asked my man is if he had kids, and honestly I should have walked away when he said yes. I really should have. But his personality is so perfect for me. I really feel like we’re supposed to be together. But the fact that he has kids? It feels like God opened up the sky and said “Here ya go. Here’s what you asked for. But fuck you for asking, your man has kids.” I feel like I’m being punished for asking for what I wanted. I thought that you’re supposed to ask Him for what you want. God knows trying to find a man on my own was just getting me heartbroken over and over.

I really don’t know what to do. I love this man, but the baby mama and the kids are killing me… What can I do? I don’t want all this drama with the BM and the kids… I want to be number one in his life. I deserve someone who puts me first…. but I don’t want to leave this one because I know there won’t be anyone else like him out there. And honestly, I don’t think there’s any changing how much I despise kids. That’s just the way I am.

To whoever is reading this, any advice is greatly appreciated.