Bear With Me

I read that writing a journal every day might help with being down in the dumps or being in a funk.
So I’m going to try it.

So today it rained in the afternoon which was really nice, I love how the desert smells after rain thanks to the creosote and it’s nice to get my car’s tires rolling on wet roads.

I tried to figure out why I’m so bitter about the world lately. My mom said it started when I was with my first boyfriend. At the time, I was upset because I was rejected from my dream school, Texas A&M. I was  heartbroken that I wasn’t smart enough to get in, and it meant that I couldn’t leave El Paso like I wanted to so badly. My boyfriend at the time was also getting comfortable in the relationship, and he acted more like my child than my boyfriend. I think I was hurt and frustrated because I felt that the man should be the strong one and take care of his woman. Maybe the reason I don’t like kids is because they get taken care of by default, and I wanted a bond like that with someone romantically, and I never got it.

Maybe the reason why I’ve been so down is because I’m finally realizing that that dream is dead, and long dead at that. How do you mourn a dream?

That’s where I am this evening.  Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

It’s time.

I really want to move away from home. I’m tired of feeling like a child, and the more I’m here the more I realize there are so many things I want to do differently than I can while I’m living with my parents. I want to get out on my own! I want to feel like an adult! I want to start working at a career job in the city I want to live in far away from my hometown!
But my hometown is a minimum wage town and I bought a car that I probably shouldn’t have. But I’m keeping up with my payments and paying on my student loan, buying my own food and clothes, and doing what I can to save money to leave. I’m doing well, I have 5000 saved so far, and as soon as I know a timeframe when I can really leave, I’ll be looking for jobs that might get me by until I can get into a career position.
But how do I deal with it until then? How do I manage to be an adult while I’m still living with my parents? I just want to live the way I want to, and be the person I want to be.