Random Thoughts for Today

I didn’t blog yesterday. But the night before, my man came over and we talked some more about how I was feeling so down. I don’t know what kind of superpower this man has over me but he talked me through another down period. I guess I need to quit thinking about the future and just focus on what’s right in front of me, even if it means a breakup later down the road. But he pulled me back to my normal self, and I’m thankful for that. Now we’re going camping this weekend and I really hope it’s a great time.
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On the way to work today, I saw that a Texas State Trooper had pulled someone over. Those lights, that uniform, the emblem on the door bring back so many good memories. I can still smell my dad’s uniform and that leather belt and boots that he wore, the ones that he made look so good. The Trooper that I could see (there was one talking to the driver and another watching that trooper’s back) was such a cutie, too. ;P I wore my Texas Department of Public Safety necklace that my dad gave me when he retired, and it made me feel like there was a connection between me and those Troopers. Officers, Sheriffs, Deputies, Troopers are all family, and it angered me and worried me that when I looked in the mirror, the traffic behind me was not pulling over to the opposite lane to give the Troopers a full lane of space. I have seen many Law Enforcement Officers get hurt badly because people don’t move over, or at least slow down to 15 under the speed limit if moving over is not an option. Please, move over and give my family their space to work.
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When I got to work, there was someone new in the parking lot. Someone with a giant blue dodge ram. I didn’t capitalize its name for a reason. There’s that moment when you see or smell or hear something that remindsĀ  you of the person who broke your heart because his marriage wasn’t enough for him so he lied to you in order to get you into his life. He told me he was divorced and that she was living in Florida. He told me he didn’t have girls over to his barracks room because it’s disrespectful. He told me he could only see me at lunch because he always had to work late, so he drove over the mountain at least once a week to pick me up for lunch and…. have me for lunch if you get me. After I searched for him on facebook and saw his profile, I did not add him but asked him whether he had a profile and he said that he did not. And that’s when I started doing more research, because the next day he had blocked me from seeing his profile. One of my friends looked at his profile and his friends list for me and we found his wife. She was, in fact, living here, and they were still very much married, with two children. I had fallen for this man out of sheer stupidity, and I hate that I fell so hard and so quickly, and I hate that there are still so many things that remind me of him. There’s “our song,” every f—ing blue dodge I see on the road, sometimes even my man will say something and it sounds like something the ex would have said. I just want to be over him. But all these things that remind me of him are there, and now there might be that giant blue dodge that looks just like the ex’s in my work parking lot every day if he is a new employee. I just want him out of my life and out of my head….
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Am I missing something?

I see things on tv and read the news and things like that. It seems like no matter what the situation is, people think something about children is sacred. And to me it is too, But not wholly like it is for everyone else. Sex crimes against children are unspeakable to me, just like to everyone else. There’s no question about that. But when a child is murdered or abducted doesn’t affect me any more than the murder or abduction of an adult. A child sick with cancer doesn’t affect me more than an adult sick with cancer. Someone who complains about being so tired from raising their child actually pisses me off, because they could have chosen not to have children and given themselves a lifelong relaxation time. Someone who is a parent doesn’t magically matter to me more than someone who hasn’t had a child.

So that actually makes me wonder…. am I missing something? Do I not have a piece of my soul responsible for a difference in empathy for children relates things versus non-children related things? Has a part of my brain not developed? And by this blog, I’m not exactly apologizing for it. I don’t think it’s going to change. But I am curious.

Regret? Remorse?

So I’m talking to my ex, right? And he tells me he was with someone who’s dating someone else. And he seems pretty okay with it. So I’m surprised that he would do that, considering he doesn’t like cheating; he begged me so much not to cheat on him, and yet he was with a taken girl and therefore involved in cheating as “the other party.” He says the girl wasn’t happy with her boyfriend anyway and she wasn’t planning on staying with him long, even though right now she’s still with him.

I’m trying to get him to see why I don’t like that he did what he did, because when I was dating him, the same thing happened with us, only I was the one who cheated because I had a male friend who was there for me to support me when my boyfriend wouldn’t.

I’m trying to decide whether to tell him that I was in the same situation he’s in right now. I hope I make the right decision… Wish me luck