I can’t stop these thoughts

Since we’ve started packing for the move, I’ve been looking at what things to toss and what things to keep. I found a photo album last week or so and it happened to have a picture of the scum that I “dated” before my current boyfriend in it. The one who was married with two children and lied to me about it. I saw the picture and I got upset all over again, but something else needed my attention so I just closed the album without removing the picture. Now I can’t get the fucker out of my head.

Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong between me and my current boyfriend; we haven’t been fighting and everything has been going really well. There is absolutely no reason that I shouldnt’ be thinking about my man instead of the garbage before. But the asshole keeps coming across my thoughts and it really makes me mad. I keep telling myself that my boyfriend is the best man for me and that I’m really happy with him, so there’s no reason to think about anyone else. But I’m thinking I never got closure from the ex. I never got to beat the shit out of him for putting me in that position. I never got to tell his wife that he was cheating on her and had done it before to warn her of who she was sharing her life with.

He’s been in my dreams for the past three or four nights. So has my boyfriend, but the ex always appears first. It’s tearing me up because it’s starting to make me feel like I’m hiding something from BF or that I’m mentally cheating on him, even though I can’t control my dreams. Is it just a matter of forcing myself to think about BF to replace the random thoughts that pop up every time they do? Is it a matter of finding that picture again and ripping it to shreds to release the emotional hold it obviously has on me? Do I burn the picture instead?

I just want to be able to focus on my boyfriend because he deserves nothing less from me. He’s all I ever wanted and I don’t want to feel like I’m cheating on him mentally because of that fuckface.

May 20 2015

I’m afraid about how close I am to my boyfriend. I desperately want to change how I feel about having a kid around, just so I can keep my man.

Know why? Cuz I honestly don’t have friends. He is my best friend, and I don’t want to mess that up. The other people I know are more of acquaintances than friends. I know part of that is my fault, I am very protective and want the best for my friends and when they meet someone I don’t see as being good enough, I let my friends know. But I just want the best for them… One of my friends is ALWAYS on her phone, but she takes forever to answer, if she even answers at all.

So you know what? I’m gonna stop putting myself out there for people. It’s time to start treating people like they treat me. I’m done with this “I’ll do whatever you need” bullshit. I’ve done my best to be a good friend but if I’m the only one who is trying to start the conversation,  that’s bullshit.

Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.

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That devastating moment

When you realize that you have the man you wanted. All you ever wanted was to have a good man and be his number one. His one and only.

That devastating moment when you realize that, thanks to making the mistake of a child with his now-ex-wife, you will never, ever, be his number one.

Do I stay? Or do I leave and let him keep that snotty nosed, mumbling, diaper wearing 3 year old and shut everyone out again?

I need more friends.

I’m way too into my relationship with my boyfriend, especially given our situation. There are things I think he deserves  things that I don’t necessarily want and denying him those things isn’t fair on my part. But I am so in love with him. Maybe I need to distance myself from this man so he can find someone who is everything he wants, not just most things. He is everything I want and a couple of things I don’t want, and that’s what we’ve been fighting about.

Maybe I just don’t give him enough time away from me to allow him to see if it is really me he wants?

Has anyone else been through this before? What did you do to go make new friends? My finances are severely limited while I save up to move, or I would go to a dance club in town and make a fool of myself.

There isn’t much in this town that I haven’t explored already, but I suppose people watching is always something new.

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What’s a girl supposed to do when she feels like she’s more into her relationship than her man is?