Repulsive

I had to leave the group Childfree Chicks Confidential on facebook today. :( I love that group and being a part of it, but being around people who think the same as I do makes the way I feel about kids cement into my brain. I mean, I’m pretty stuck on the “Despise Children” setting anyway, but knowing that there are so many other women who feel the same way really tears away the handle on that switch so there’s no going back to “Kids? Whatever.”

The last post I read on that page is that one of the women thinks it’s cute to see a man holding a baby. Me? It’s actually pretty repulsive. For example, whenever I see my man, no matter what he’s wearing or what he’s doing, I can’t help but stare. I am incredibly attracted to him. But when his kid was here and ran into a wall and my man picked him up to comfort him… I almost couldn’t hide the scowl on my face. My man became incredibly unattractive just in that one action. If my man were to hold a puppy or a kitten, I’d still be completely attracted. But a kid? GTFO.

I’m so glad I have this blog. I’m not sure whether you all actually read these or they’re more like a diary, but my blog is safe. My man doesn’t even read the posts I WANT him to read, much less every post I create. And right now, I really appreciate that I can put all my true thoughts out here and I know I won’t hurt his feelings. Maybe it helps me to get my thoughts out. Don’t get me wrong, I want these thoughts to change. I love my man with my entire being. But the fact that he has a kid and claims another one as his own too… it feels like a punishment to me.

I’ve always said, “I’m not a Christian. I have a relationship with God.” The word Christian connotes a lot of judgment and hypocrisy. But my relationship with God fits me. But when I was having trouble finding a good man, I turned to God and asked Him to bring my perfect man into my life. I asked Him for specific things that I would like in a man. And weirdly enough, that’s when my man came into my life. A mutual friend of ours texted me and asked me if I was still looking for someone. My man had never spent free time with that friend before, and I hadn’t heard from that friend in well over a year. It just felt like my prayer had been answered when I went on that first date. But then he told me he has “kids”, and I only put it in quotes because only one of them is biologically his.

It’s no secret that I despise children. In fact, one of the first questions I asked my man is if he had kids, and honestly I should have walked away when he said yes. I really should have. But his personality is so perfect for me. I really feel like we’re supposed to be together. But the fact that he has kids? It feels like God opened up the sky and said “Here ya go. Here’s what you asked for. But fuck you for asking, your man has kids.” I feel like I’m being punished for asking for what I wanted. I thought that you’re supposed to ask Him for what you want. God knows trying to find a man on my own was just getting me heartbroken over and over.

I really don’t know what to do. I love this man, but the baby mama and the kids are killing me… What can I do? I don’t want all this drama with the BM and the kids… I want to be number one in his life. I deserve someone who puts me first…. but I don’t want to leave this one because I know there won’t be anyone else like him out there. And honestly, I don’t think there’s any changing how much I despise kids. That’s just the way I am.

To whoever is reading this, any advice is greatly appreciated.

When you Know

That moment when you know you’re jealous when it comes to your boyfriend and someone mentioning his ex wife (wives) causes sarcasm and catty comments and you finally make a joke like that and your boyfriend snaps at you. 

I know I’m a bitch and I know I’m hard to deal with sometimes but it still hurts when the man I love most outside my family snaps at me.

On Applications

If you go to a business to ask if they’re hiring and you see someone who works at the company outside, don’t’ talk to that employee. Go inside and talk to the receptionist, that’s why there are receptionists. And when they tell you about what they’re taking applications for, just submit your application when you’re done. Read all the questions thoroughly and answer them to the best of your ability, and only ask questions when it’s really necessary for clarification. And when you’ve submitted your application, do not– DO NOT — ask what the salary is and REALLY DO NOT ask for the extension of the person who will be looking over the applications. They’ll call you if they like you. If you keep calling, you’re being annoying and annoying = no job. People, especially hiring managers, don’t like to be pestered or pushed.

That’s all.

Update on Tubal Ligation at 23

Hey! So, I left off on Monday.  I believe it was Wednesday night, I could finally sleep on my belly (my most comfortable position). It had been difficult to sleep, because the muscles under and around the uterus and ovaries are active when you’re trying to move around at night,  so I basically stuck to sleeping on my belly and my back at that point. During work, I found that putting pressure on the incision to support it and the muscles around it and keep them from moving helped a lot, and there was obvious pressure on it while I slept when I slept on my belly. If I had to get up in the middle of the night, it was far easier to get up from sleeping on my belly because I could raise myself up using my arms and thighs and step down from the bed. So I tried to keep myself comfortable in my belly most of the night, every night.

It took another day or so (so this is around a week) for my body to finally process air the right way again, because I still had air pockets under my ribs, and along with that, it took about that long to finally process food normally again too. Thank you, anesthesia and shock to the body.

BUT!!!

Thanks to the human body being amazing and the pressure on the incision from sleeping on my belly, the cut healed almost right before my eyes. Every morning it seemed more together, and the Steri-Strips got looser. Every day, the incision got itchier and itchier as it healed, and it felt like the itchiness came from the Steri-Strips pulling on my skin as it tried to knit back together and the hair kept growing back in. On Sunday the 15, I finally removed the Steri-Strips from my skin and the incision looked amazing for only being a week and a half old. It looked especially dry, so I put some coconut oil directly around the cut. (COCONUT OIL HAS SO MANY BENEFITS, GO RESEARCH IT!!!)

I believe that the coconut oil has helped immensely, because today, Wednesday the 18, the cut looks very healed around the edges, as if it shrinks in length every hour. The skin is pink like scar tissue and there is less and less of a discernable split in the skin every time I look at it. I’m still keeping a patch of gauze on it between my skin and my underwear so the slight scabbing doesn’t catch on the fabric, but I think that’s cuz I’m an extra worry warrior. I’m still putting coconut oil on it twice a day and it helps with the itching tremendously. 

Possible TMI:

I think I’m gonna be ovulating in the next couple of days, so that means there’s no signs of that Tubal Ligation syndrome some people talk about where everything is painful and nothing works right anymore. Did i mention the surgery started my period early? So i had absolutely no worries about being pregnant before the surgery, although I doubt they would have done the surgery if I was pregnant in the first place, they took a urine sample for a test before the procedure. Of course, it’s only been two weeks tomorrow since the surgery, so I have time to see if things are going to be different when it comes to ovulation and menstruation. But, so far, nothing out of the ordinary.

So now, all I have to do is see if it changes my tolerance for other people’s kids, namely my boyfriend’s son. We shall see.

What Women Need To Remember

No matter how sweet he is, no matter how much he’s there for you and he takes care of you when you’re sick or you have surgery, he’s still a man. He’s still going to piss you off and blow off plans he had made with you. Don’t ever get to the point where you lose your independence. Remember that you don’t NEED him in your life, you WANT him in your life. Always be prepared to go it alone if you have to. No matter how perfect he seems sometimes, he’s not perfect, just like you’re not perfect. He doesn’t remember how easily things he does and says hurt you.

Tubal Ligation at 23 Years Old

Warning: possible TMI

I’ll be 24 in July. This past thursday, Feb 5, I had a tubal ligation, commonly referred to as “getting your tubes tied.” As you could probably tell by my previous posts, I’m not all that keen on having children of my own. My boyfriend has a biological son and a stepdaughter,  and if he and I stay together, those two will be enough for me. Probably more than enough and I’ll be struggling until I grow up a bit more.

So I got a tubal ligation. I was planning on two small incisions, one near my belly button to one side and one lower on the same side, with local anesthesia. They gave me general anesthesia (and a small patch behind my ear as an antiemetic) and a horizontal 3-4 inch cut in the space just lower than the level of my hip bones. The general anesthesia was given to me through an IV on my hand, and the stuff made my hand and wrist ache as if i had the flu. But the aching only lasted about 5 seconds and then I went unconscious. My doctor used the incision and space (space created with inserting air under my skin) to remove a section from both tubes and cauterize the open ends.  When I woke up, it had been about an hour since that general anesthesia, and apparently I had told my nurse the pain level was a three, although I was not conscious of that. When I regained my consciousness, I was gripping the hospital bed’s metal frame and moaning over and over. My nurse asked why I was moaning, and I let out one word, “Hurts.” She asked me my pain level again, and I told her 5, although now that I think about it, the level was probably more of a 7. She gave me some pain medication through my IV and it helped, but she had to give me another dose about 20min later. My parents and my  boyfriend were there with me, but at my bedside, only two people were allowed to visit at once. My dad and my boyfriend were the two to see me with an oxygen mask over my face and gripping that metal frame, until my boyfriend took my hand and kissed my forehead. They talked to me and I answered slowly and quietly. When my boyfriend had to leave for work, he sent my mom in, and my parents stayed with me while the anesthetic wore off. The nurse told them things that had happened and answered questions that we all had. She went to get me ice chips for my dry mouth and sore throat, and after two spoonfuls, she let my mom give me the ice chips. It was another hour or so before I thought I was good to be ready to go home. The nurse helped me dress and helped me sit in a wheelchair to take me to our truck. I was asked not to let myself fall asleep In the truck, to prevent motion sickness, but thanks to that little patch behind my ear, my stomach was happy enough. I sipped apple juice that the nurse gave me, and did my best not to let my heavy eyelids stay closed while we drove. Thankfully, my dad took the long, smooth way home to minimize any discomfort.
We got home at around 10am, and I made myself comfortable on the couch, falling right asleep, waking up for five minutes or so before falling asleep again. It wasn’t until about 1pm that I could stay awake enough to eat a banana and take my ibuprofen, which actually did nothing for my pain.

I kept drinking water, so I could help my body rid itself of the anesthesia and to soothe my throat after being intubated during the surgery, and it wasn’t long before I had to use the restroom. Surprise! I had a full bladder that I couldn’t void. It was a mix of bladder retention (which happens when medicine like general anesthesia and the antiemetic patch interfere with the brain’s automatic system of telling the bladder to empty itself), swelling from the surgery, and fear of putting pressure on my incision. I voided very small amounts at a time, and stopped drinking water because it was feeling like my bladder couldn’t stretch any more. I took my other pain medicine, Tramadol, to try to manage the pain, and that didn’t work either. I did my best to remove the gauze from my incision; I had to wet it to get it unstuck from my skin. I had to change it two times before I went to bed due to small amounts of drainage. My parents helped me so much, and my boyfriend came over after work and he helped me a lot, and he grimaced along with me when he noticed I was in pain. I told him about my bladder retention and he did some googling and that’s when we found out about it being due to the medicines.

I took D-Mannose supplements and Azo supplements to keep myself from getting a urinary tract infection from the catheter they gave me during the surgery. Little by little, the bladder retention wore off. So I went to sleep, waking up twice to try to use the restroom again, and when I woke up at about 8am Friday,  my back and shoulders were so tight from me putting my stress there to protect the incision that it was very hard to move. In addition to sore back, my abdomen was filled with the gas the doctor put into my body during surgery, and since bowel function slows to a crawl after surgery, I couldn’t rid my body of much gas at all. Friday was the same as thursday, slowly moving around and trying to void my bladder more easily (which was more successful). I did take a small walk to the end of the block to try to loosen my back and help my body absorb the gas in order to pass it. Since my pain medicines weren’t working, I decided to try Gas-X and a muscle relaxer close to bedtime. I slept better that night,  on my back more so I could stretch the incision a bit so it would heal in a way that would allow me to walk at least semi-erect.

Saturday was much better for my back and the gas issue, but it wasn’t completely resolved. I went for a walk around the block and was only mildly sore afterward. I was eating a bit more, and bladder voiding wasn’t a problem anymore. My boyfriend and I binge watched Bates Motel thanks to Netflix, and the day went more smoothly than Friday. I actually went for a ride with my boyfriend and my dad to get some lunch, but I stayed in the truck while they went inside to get the food. I found that squatting/kneeling down helped to move the gas to a place where I could get some of it out, and stretching my back by putting my shins on the floor and stretching my arms helped both my back and moved the gas to a less painful place.

Today is Sunday,  and I feel even better than yesterday. Only a small bit of gas remains trapped, and I’m trying to walk normally instead of holding my tension in my back.  I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow, and I think I should be able to do that if my progress keeps improving as fast as it has the last couple of nights. It will be slow going, not very easy, but my boss and coworkers know what’s going on so I’m sure they’ll be understanding. My boyfriend is coming over again today, and he told me he actually loves taking care of me, and I make sure he knows how much I appreciate him doing things for me. He also knows it would be exactly the same if he was the one that had surgery and I was to take care of him.

That’s all I can really report right now, but I’m sure I’ll be updating on my progress the next couple of days.