This Has To Stop

Our men and women who are out there keeping at bay those who would wish to harm innocent citizens are being murdered. In their homes, filling up their patrol cars with gas, while sitting in their vehicles. If the good sheepdogs are being murdered, how long until the wolves eat up all the innocent sheep? (This is an analogy; I am in no way implying that all good people act like sheep.) The terror has to stop. Please lend your voice in support of my Blue family. Every life makes a difference in the world, and it is up to every individual to choose whether that effect is positive or negative.

Support the Blue Here

Truth  Darren GoforthDon Allen

Instead

I googled “what to do instead of facebook.” I think facebook is what has been fueling all of my irritability, because there are so many people in the world who are just… nasty. People are assholes nowadays, which ties in with my post yesterday. I think the more I get wrapped up in seeing what is out there on the internet that people post on their facebook, the more I realize that more people get worse every day. People get offended by what others think, but there must be quite a few people out there who do things to get recognition, or to see how far they can push social limits.

It’s actually really discouraging, to be honest. I have seen that 90% of the people with whom I’ve come in contact just don’t have compassion anymore. It’s all about them and what they want, whether someone tells them not to do it or not. There is a complete disregard for the law, and equally a disregard for the compassion of others. I know I have said that people should stay out of other people’s business, but compassion is different. You don’t have to be in someone’s business to be courteous and realize that the things you do could affect them. Actions that don’t seem to affect anyone but yourself can affect other people. Those people who do drugs affect their families’ emotional state and sometimes even their financial state. The people who have to be out in front of everyone in a line or out driving affect others because people don’t like confrontation, and those who drive recklessly put others at risk of property damage or even worse, the possibility of a fatal crash.

That person who accidentally bumped into you at the store, whom you glared at or made a nasty comment to, could be fighting a mental battle that they feel they can only fight through self-harm.

When I did my google search, there were some other searches suggested at the bottom. Three out of about ten of them asked, “what to do instead of cutting.” I can’t say that I have ever been suicidal, although the thought has crossed my mind about what would happen if I was actually gone. I can say, however, that I know how it feels to have mental pain that I couldn’t figure out how to relieve. I was a preteenager, or maybe thirteen, so it has been quite a few years since then and I have changed my outlook on how to relieve pain. But I know that there are still people of that age out there who haven’t moved past it yet and are suffering, because of someone else’s choices or actions.

I think sometimes the struggle for me is to understand why people have to act the way they do. Has the media so affected us that we see someone that has power and we need to feel as if we have power over someone else? The need for power is probably ingrained in us and has been for many years, because if we submit to other people, we might lose out on resources that we need to survive. But many things that we encounter today have nothing to do with getting resources. Using my driving example, is cutting someone off really going to help you get where you need to go any faster? Is being discourteous helping you at all? All that does is frustrate someone else and make you angry. There have been at least three instances in my city within the last month where someone got a bad case of road rage and shot someone else. At least one person died, because two cars were on the road traveling somewhere and one person didn’t like how the other person was “in their way” or what have you.

It’s really discouraging. I can safely say that I have lost 90% of my faith in humanity. So, instead of subjecting myself to the plights of people I wouldn’t ever meet in real life by staying on social media, and I would like to try to focus on what I am doing to make sure my life is happy. I have been interested in learning the German and Russian languages lately, and there are several woodworking projects that I would love to get started and completed. I am working toward becoming a law enforcement officer, so I need to train for that, physically and mentally, to learn how to assist people on the calls I will get while staying emotionally detached so their problems do not become my mental problems.

Focusing on the betterment of my life, instead of getting wrapped up in the deterioration of others’. I’d like to make myself focus on the roses in life, rather than the thorns.

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Judgment

You know what I find funny in the strange way? Why do people seem to judge everything everyone does?
Most of what we all do is, at the time, the best thing for us. Whether it ends up nasty later or if it remains the best, we still made that decision and it is done. So why do people judge and say “you’ll change your mind” or “you do it because you’re controlled by XYZ” or any other hare brained, bone headed poison that ends up coming out.
I am guilty of it, no one is saying I’m perfect. But lately I have been trying to remember, people all like different things and I can’t change anyone’s life or anyone’s mind except mine. No one else’s life is my business, and all I need to do is support them, even if I think it’s not right. Because, people are going to do what they’re going to do anyway, and if it doesn’t affect your life at all, why should you have any input?

I have an idea, and I told a “friend” at work. She said she wouldn’t do it because of reasons, and when I told her my thought process on it, she said “it doesn’t matter what I say, you’re going to do it anyway because you’re controlled by money.”
Bitch, I can advise against you going out and getting shit faced every weekend and having sex with whomever because of the STDs you can get because you’re controlled by your impulses. But do i? Nope. It’s your life and your actions don’t affect me, so who am I to say anything to you about it?

It’s really upsetting that people are assholes nowadays. Is this what goes through their heads? :

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pissed off

how come every other immigrant from every other fucking country takes the time to learn the common language in america and yet people who come from our direct south border want to bring all their bullshit here? bitch, you fucking came to my country, i’m not going to learn your fucking language. you made the fucking choice to come here, i didn’t force you to come here. we dont’ want all your bullshit here so our country turns into yours because you refuse to adapt to our culture. if i went to your shithole country, would you be speaking my language? fucking no, i’d get shot. or beheaded. or shanked. or whatever the fuck else your country is into. but you come here and i have to learn your fucking language? no, fuck off. go the fuck back to where you came from and leave all your bullshit there.

May 28 2015

Family is the most important thing. No matter what. So at this point, he can take care of his family all he wants. He can let her call him despite him “hating her voice,” or so he says. She can get his attention whenever he wants it. I can go on not trusting him to care why i’m upset. It’s up to me to take care of me, because he’s too busy taking care of his family. don't care

May 20 2015

I’m afraid about how close I am to my boyfriend. I desperately want to change how I feel about having a kid around, just so I can keep my man.

Know why? Cuz I honestly don’t have friends. He is my best friend, and I don’t want to mess that up. The other people I know are more of acquaintances than friends. I know part of that is my fault, I am very protective and want the best for my friends and when they meet someone I don’t see as being good enough, I let my friends know. But I just want the best for them… One of my friends is ALWAYS on her phone, but she takes forever to answer, if she even answers at all.

So you know what? I’m gonna stop putting myself out there for people. It’s time to start treating people like they treat me. I’m done with this “I’ll do whatever you need” bullshit. I’ve done my best to be a good friend but if I’m the only one who is trying to start the conversation,¬† that’s bullshit.

Don’t make someone a priority in your life when you’re only an option in theirs.

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Random Thoughts for Today

I didn’t blog yesterday. But the night before, my man came over and we talked some more about how I was feeling so down. I don’t know what kind of superpower this man has over me but he talked me through another down period. I guess I need to quit thinking about the future and just focus on what’s right in front of me, even if it means a breakup later down the road. But he pulled me back to my normal self, and I’m thankful for that. Now we’re going camping this weekend and I really hope it’s a great time.
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On the way to work today, I saw that a Texas State Trooper had pulled someone over. Those lights, that uniform, the emblem on the door bring back so many good memories. I can still smell my dad’s uniform and that leather belt and boots that he wore, the ones that he made look so good. The Trooper that I could see (there was one talking to the driver and another watching that trooper’s back) was such a cutie, too. ;P I wore my Texas Department of Public Safety necklace that my dad gave me when he retired, and it made me feel like there was a connection between me and those Troopers. Officers, Sheriffs, Deputies, Troopers are all family, and it angered me and worried me that when I looked in the mirror, the traffic behind me was not pulling over to the opposite lane to give the Troopers a full lane of space. I have seen many Law Enforcement Officers get hurt badly because people don’t move over, or at least slow down to 15 under the speed limit if moving over is not an option. Please, move over and give my family their space to work.
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When I got to work, there was someone new in the parking lot. Someone with a giant blue dodge ram. I didn’t capitalize its name for a reason. There’s that moment when you see or smell or hear something that reminds¬† you of the person who broke your heart because his marriage wasn’t enough for him so he lied to you in order to get you into his life. He told me he was divorced and that she was living in Florida. He told me he didn’t have girls over to his barracks room because it’s disrespectful. He told me he could only see me at lunch because he always had to work late, so he drove over the mountain at least once a week to pick me up for lunch and…. have me for lunch if you get me. After I searched for him on facebook and saw his profile, I did not add him but asked him whether he had a profile and he said that he did not. And that’s when I started doing more research, because the next day he had blocked me from seeing his profile. One of my friends looked at his profile and his friends list for me and we found his wife. She was, in fact, living here, and they were still very much married, with two children. I had fallen for this man out of sheer stupidity, and I hate that I fell so hard and so quickly, and I hate that there are still so many things that remind me of him. There’s “our song,” every f—ing blue dodge I see on the road, sometimes even my man will say something and it sounds like something the ex would have said. I just want to be over him. But all these things that remind me of him are there, and now there might be that giant blue dodge that looks just like the ex’s in my work parking lot every day if he is a new employee. I just want him out of my life and out of my head….
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