Hopeless

I know it’s over. I know that he isn’t right for me. I know that I deserve better.

But I’m still hopelessly in love. No one makes me laugh like he does. No one else makes my heart skip a beat when I see that name come up on my phone. It doesn’t hurt my heart as much with anyone else when they don’t text back. No one can be intimate with me quite like he can.

I want so badly to be able to forget him. But he keeps coming up and things keep making me think of him. I hate it. I want to move on. But I’m hopeless when it comes to him. And I have no idea how to stop it.

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Love’s wounds

So I’m one of those girls who falls in love way too quickly. I still have serious feelings for several of my exes, and it really hurts. I know it isn’t going to work. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get excited when I see their names come up on my phone because they sent a text. Doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t skip a beat or I make a wistful smile when I see a picture of them. I thought a nice “me” time would help how I feel right now, but it doesn’t. It just makes me think of them. One in particular that I would probably still be with if it wasn’t for him being married and then divorced before he met me. I know I still love him. I don’t remember if I ever told him I love him, but I know I do. I have so many great things going on in my life right now, but that ache in my heart is still there. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because it really doesn’t look like I’m going to find another suitable boyfriend again for awhile. A long while. So it’s like there’s a space in my heart that I know I want filled, but I can’t find anyone who can fill it well enough….
I want to start praying for God to bring the right man into my life… But does He do that? I honestly don’t know what else to do…..

I don’t want to be in love with my ex..,

Horsies

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I was hugged by a horse. I think that was the moment that I really knew I wanted to raise horses when I grow up. This was several years ago, but I was having a conversation with a friend and it came up, and I had to blog about it, because random. But seriously, being hugged by a horse is great. Animals are definitely preferable to people, in …. a lot of cases.

I’m officially an adult.

I now know what it’s like to know that you don’t have any money until like six weeks from now. My bills will be paid, but food…. that’s gonna be hard to come by. I’m going to be scrounging in the fridge for something my mom made so I don’t have to use my credit card to buy food at lunch and then for the gas it would take to drive to wherever.

and yes, I know I’m a female and I could ask my guy friends to take care of me and help me out with a meal. Especially the ones who have crushes on me. But you know what, I’m not gonna do that. I don’t think I should play the “damsel in distress” card. Because I’m better than that. I got myself into this mess and even if it means starving for a little bit, I’m going to get myself out of it. I can ask one of those friends to repay a $10 debt that he owes me and make those ten dollars last a week and a half if I get ramen noodles from the dollar store ($1 for a three pack!).

But, that makes it really hard to save money. But I’ve worked that into my budget. So if I keep going to the dollar store for food from here on out and keep myself from unnecessary spending, I can save more than I have been or put more money into paying off my loans faster.

I’m actually considering getting a second job. The job I have right now is 8-5, a little over minimum wage, about 42 hours per week. But if I was making more money, I could put even more money into savings and into my bills and be even better off, right? There’s a job I’m considering that would be about 4-9am, which would have me getting up at 2:30am or so and working until 5pm like normal…. I’m not sure I could do that; I like my sleep. But, the AM job would be $12 per hour, at least 20 hours per week. That would almost double my income. Almost. It would be a stretch and a sacrifice to work 13 hours per day, depending on my days off with the AM job. But I like sleep… and I have an application in with a career job that I may or may not make it into.

 

So many things to think about and things to make sure and double sure I take care of. I believe that qualifies me as an adult, don’t you?  

“Tormented”

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  I am tormented by the last words I said to her. All she wanted was to love me, and to be loved by me. And I couldn’t give her that because I was too selfish. Or stupid. Most likely both, with a side of ignorance.

    She loved me. If I had asked her to pick me up when I was out of my mind drunk at three o’clock in the morning, she would have. But I knew better than to ask her. She was too good for that, and I didn’t care about the money it took to get a cab or ask a friend to be a designated driver.

    When I told her that I was engaged, she didn’t say anything. It seemed like she couldn’t say anything, like her brain shut down or her throat tightened up, keeping words from coming out. Every muscle in her body tensed, her shoulders stiffening, and the thing I noticed the most was that her eyes filled to the brim with tears. Those blue eyes looked even more blue when the whites of her eyes became marbled with red, and the sunlight reflected off those unshed tears.

    I respected her in that moment, because she didn’t let me see those tears fall. I knew she was in pain, but honestly I didn’t know how to fix it or what to say to make the news easier for her. Had I missed all the signs that she had fallen in love with me long ago?

……

    Evidently I had, because in that moment, I heard a voice tell me that I was engaged to the wrong girl. The girl right in front of me, with those baby blue eyes and that shy smile and all that beautiful auburn hair, was the one I should be engaged to. She loved me with every bit of her soul, and I was too stupid to see that. Those tears told me that. But what was I supposed to do, just drop my fiancé and ask Laura to marry me, right then and there? Tell her to wait for me while I broke off my engagement and that I would come back for her?

    I had sincerely fallen in love with my fiancé, and she wasn’t comfortable with Laura always being around but I had never understood why. Laura was my best friend, she had always been there and was always trying to take care of me, kind of like my sister. But when I told her about my engagement, I realized that it wasn’t like a sister. She was taking care of me like a girlfriend or wife should take care of her man. When I was sick, she would come to my house after work to bring me whatever cold remedy she believed in at the time, along with some hot tea even though she knew I hated it, and whatever action movie was out that she thought I would like. She would invite herself into my apartment, put the DVD in while the water was heating on the stove and tell me to sit on the couch and cuddle up under a blanket. I hated the blanket part. But she made me cuddle under a blanket with her when she brought me the tea and most of the time, she was spot on when she picked a movie.

    But that’s all beside the point. When I told her about my engagement, she looked nothing less than broken. Not just heartbroken, either; it was like her whole being had just been shattered. She didn’t say a word to me, just turned around and walked away. I caught up with her, offering her a ride home since her car was in the shop. But she wanted no part of it. She had wanted to walk.

    She lived down a long country road, and there were a lot of people that liked to use the road that led to her house as a drag strip. Two idiots were racing trucks and one of them had  rammed the other one. The driver lost control and slammed into the fence post that Laura was walking beside. She was pinned between the grill of the truck and the fence.

    Apparently the driver got out unscathed and went to see what he hit. Laura was still alive, and would be for several minutes. The driver asked if he could do anything, and the driver of the other truck returned and called 911 to the scene. They stayed with her even after the emergency vehicles arrived and talked to her. She knew she couldn’t survive that. Her ribs were broken and blood was seeping into her lungs. She had to spit out blood several times and once she involuntarily coughed and spattered one of the drivers with her blood.

    He tried telling her not to talk, but she had wanted him to give me a message. She handed him her phone and asked him to call me and tell me what happened. She also wanted him to tell me that she had truly always loved me and that she hoped I was happy with my fiancé, especially since my fiancé now had no threats that would steal my heart. But she had never had my heart, and she told him a bit about what happened.

    She thought I never loved her. She knew I loved her for who she was, but she thought I had never wanted her to be mine. To some degree, she hated me when I gave her the news about my engagement. She asked the driver to tell me she was sorry for hating me and that she truly loved me and always would. She said she would be watching over me if she went to Heaven and rooting for me to make it into Heaven if she didn’t after all.

    The driver relayed her story to me using her phone right after they laid her on the street to try to save her, but were forced to pronounce her dead. I thanked him for his courtesy and asked him to allow the police to take her phone and purse to give to her family. He graciously obliged and that was the end of the conversation.

    Laura’s words haunted me for months, and I couldn’t even think about making wedding plans. My fiancé was a little angry, but did her best to be understanding. Eventually, I couldn’t take the stress and broke off the engagement and left her. I couldn’t live with myself if I had gone through with what had caused Laura to die that night. Maybe she would have wanted me to be happy with my now-ex-fiancé, but I couldn’t deal with it, and my ex-fiancé was pressuring me and being angry with me while I mourned, just because of who I was mourning.

    May Laura rest in peace, and may her soul be in Heaven looking down on me with love and not resentment.

   

Workplace phone calls rant

When you’re out of the office, let all your little friends who call you on your work phone (that you shouldn’t even be using for personal calls in the first place) KNOW that you’re out of the fucking office.

I’m sick of whoever the fuck this is calling the office and hanging up when they hear my name instead of the chick that I’m covering for. It’s rude, first of all, and second of all, call her fucking personal phone! That’s what cell phones are for!!! And by the way, when you have a wrong number or reach the wrong person, SAY SOMETHING. Don’t fucking hang up on them. Say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to reach so-and-so. Thank you.”

Don’t just hang up.

But oh, I forgot, people that come over the border illegally don’t know what manners are. Oops.