Wow.

I haven’t blogged in forever. But, I have the app now, and I think I’m gonna start putting those random thoughts that I think are horrible that I’m pretty sure aren’t gonna get any “likes” on Facebook. Or that are probably going to get me attacked. That’s what blogs are for, right? Kind of like an online diary. In addition to my writings. So, to any of you who follow me and care to read my posts, I hope you at least get some kind of entertainment value out of these random thoughts.

Like, I hate how Facebook is always changing, and the messenger app froze my phone and screwed up my sd card so it is now read only after trying to format it. I’m not happy. So I have to log in on the browser to see any messages I might get. I don’t like that. Blah.

Also, I’ve had a new boyfriend for. … about two and a half months right now. And he’s so close to perfect I can taste it. I’m worried about the fact that he has kids. I don’t like kids. But I’m super in love with him, so maybe I’ll change just enough that I can tolerate his. I hope so.

Also Also, I hate Kaley Cuoco’s new pixie haircut. It makes her look a lot heavier and a lot older. Blah.

Am I missing something?

I see things on tv and read the news and things like that. It seems like no matter what the situation is, people think something about children is sacred. And to me it is too, But not wholly like it is for everyone else. Sex crimes against children are unspeakable to me, just like to everyone else. There’s no question about that. But when a child is murdered or abducted doesn’t affect me any more than the murder or abduction of an adult. A child sick with cancer doesn’t affect me more than an adult sick with cancer. Someone who complains about being so tired from raising their child actually pisses me off, because they could have chosen not to have children and given themselves a lifelong relaxation time. Someone who is a parent doesn’t magically matter to me more than someone who hasn’t had a child.

So that actually makes me wonder…. am I missing something? Do I not have a piece of my soul responsible for a difference in empathy for children relates things versus non-children related things? Has a part of my brain not developed? And by this blog, I’m not exactly apologizing for it. I don’t think it’s going to change. But I am curious.

Hopeless

I know it’s over. I know that he isn’t right for me. I know that I deserve better.

But I’m still hopelessly in love. No one makes me laugh like he does. No one else makes my heart skip a beat when I see that name come up on my phone. It doesn’t hurt my heart as much with anyone else when they don’t text back. No one can be intimate with me quite like he can.

I want so badly to be able to forget him. But he keeps coming up and things keep making me think of him. I hate it. I want to move on. But I’m hopeless when it comes to him. And I have no idea how to stop it.

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Love’s wounds

So I’m one of those girls who falls in love way too quickly. I still have serious feelings for several of my exes, and it really hurts. I know it isn’t going to work. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get excited when I see their names come up on my phone because they sent a text. Doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t skip a beat or I make a wistful smile when I see a picture of them. I thought a nice “me” time would help how I feel right now, but it doesn’t. It just makes me think of them. One in particular that I would probably still be with if it wasn’t for him being married and then divorced before he met me. I know I still love him. I don’t remember if I ever told him I love him, but I know I do. I have so many great things going on in my life right now, but that ache in my heart is still there. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because it really doesn’t look like I’m going to find another suitable boyfriend again for awhile. A long while. So it’s like there’s a space in my heart that I know I want filled, but I can’t find anyone who can fill it well enough….
I want to start praying for God to bring the right man into my life… But does He do that? I honestly don’t know what else to do…..

I don’t want to be in love with my ex..,

Horsies

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I was hugged by a horse. I think that was the moment that I really knew I wanted to raise horses when I grow up. This was several years ago, but I was having a conversation with a friend and it came up, and I had to blog about it, because random. But seriously, being hugged by a horse is great. Animals are definitely preferable to people, in …. a lot of cases.

I’m officially an adult.

I now know what it’s like to know that you don’t have any money until like six weeks from now. My bills will be paid, but food…. that’s gonna be hard to come by. I’m going to be scrounging in the fridge for something my mom made so I don’t have to use my credit card to buy food at lunch and then for the gas it would take to drive to wherever.

and yes, I know I’m a female and I could ask my guy friends to take care of me and help me out with a meal. Especially the ones who have crushes on me. But you know what, I’m not gonna do that. I don’t think I should play the “damsel in distress” card. Because I’m better than that. I got myself into this mess and even if it means starving for a little bit, I’m going to get myself out of it. I can ask one of those friends to repay a $10 debt that he owes me and make those ten dollars last a week and a half if I get ramen noodles from the dollar store ($1 for a three pack!).

But, that makes it really hard to save money. But I’ve worked that into my budget. So if I keep going to the dollar store for food from here on out and keep myself from unnecessary spending, I can save more than I have been or put more money into paying off my loans faster.

I’m actually considering getting a second job. The job I have right now is 8-5, a little over minimum wage, about 42 hours per week. But if I was making more money, I could put even more money into savings and into my bills and be even better off, right? There’s a job I’m considering that would be about 4-9am, which would have me getting up at 2:30am or so and working until 5pm like normal…. I’m not sure I could do that; I like my sleep. But, the AM job would be $12 per hour, at least 20 hours per week. That would almost double my income. Almost. It would be a stretch and a sacrifice to work 13 hours per day, depending on my days off with the AM job. But I like sleep… and I have an application in with a career job that I may or may not make it into.

 

So many things to think about and things to make sure and double sure I take care of. I believe that qualifies me as an adult, don’t you?